The Best I Could Think Of

Anxiety was just filling up my brain. Insecurities ran over my body. I wasn’t feeling good at all. I was unhappy. I wasn’t proud of myself. I was so shy. I didn’t have the ability to do what I wanted. No matter how hard I try to be confident, I didn’t get to have courage to act. I didn’t want to be the ordinary girl. I wanted to be the perfect girl everyone dreamed of. I thought that would make me happy. I forgot to be grateful for who I am and what I have. I was so ambitious in terms of anything. I needed to stop but I couldn’t. I wanted it so bad. I want to be a perfect girl.

I felt like there’s a hurricane in my brain and poison all over my body. Starting with appearance, I wore clothes I’ve never used before. It was uncomfortable. I tried to wear makeup to school. I ended up seeing everyone laughing at me. I went for a diet because my body weight didn’t scream I’m skinny. I succeeded. I was skinny because I ended up being sick after that diet. My bones were showing and they ended up mocking. I wasn’t sure if I’m happy this way. Although I didn’t stop, I still wanted to be perfect.

Perfect isn’t always about the appearance but it’s also about the personality. We all want to be Cinderella who is kind and always has courage. First is kindness. I thought I had kindness in me but it wasn’t enough. I tried to be more humble to people. I started to compliment more but they ended up talking behind my back. I thought that I would have more friends but I was wrong. Second is courage. I knew I was shy so I needed to change. I started to talk more to people I didn’t use to talk to. My mouth said all of the things in my mind. At some times I tend to offend people without realizing it. It didn’t stop here though. There are a few more steps that I did.

Talent and skill. Anyone would be impressed if I was smart and talented. At least that is what I thought. Even though I felt that I was smart but I tend to feel like I’m not smart enough. In my mindset was, “A isn’t enough, I need to get an A+ to be the best.”. That mindset told me to be ambitious and disappointment would come if I didn’t get an A+. Intelligence is nothing without talent and skill. I didn’t know what my ability is. I felt like I couldn’t do anything right. I couldn’t sing, dance, draw or cook. I had no speciality. I don’t have a special hobby. I just love listening to music, taking a nap and watching a lot of romance movies. I tried to practice dancing or cooking but I ended up giving up. I was lazy to discover my talent and at that moment I’m going insane. I felt like world hated me so much. I couldn’t reach my goal. It was like a big truck just hit me hard.

“Oh please honey, you want to be perfect? You want to have everything? You need to stop dreaming because it will never happen. WAKE UP!” ,my sister said. I had a breakdown. I kept telling myself why am I not perfect. I always felt like I’m out of place just because I am not good enough to get attention from people. I felt like I don’t want to be me because I’m just ordinary. I wasn’t grateful at all and it made me sad. I was miserable. I understand that craving for more and more isn’t good because no one’s getting more or less. Humans are all the same. We are not perfect. We make mistakes and get ungrateful sometimes. I felt unhappy because I couldn’t accept myself.

“Don’t overthink too much. In the end you don’t have to be perfect. You are you. It’s proven you weren’t happy when you tried your hardest to be perfect. No one will ever be perfect, so just live your life. I know it might be hard sometimes, but you don’t have to face the world alone. Moments will pass and life always goes on. I’m sure life finds a way and so will you. Enjoy it while you still can.” ,My mother told me after I vent. She was right. I think that I should just accept myself and be happy. I know that it won’t be easy but I figure out to try. After all everything will turn into a memory. I should take a lesson from my mistakes or remember a beautiful memory I’ve had.