“How did this happen? We were fine a moment ago… you were holding my hands in yours. We were fine just a moment ago... How could you say those words so casually, without any burden shown across your face.”

 “I’m tired of you” those words echoed inside my thoughts, deeper than I assumed it would be. His sincere smile scars my conscience eternally, his eyes calm and cold stared into my eyes piercing through on what is left of my soul. In daze I can only gaze silently, waiting for what ever miracle could save us now. I can feel my lips stutter holding in the cry that’s breaking through the barricade. I took the deepest breath that I have ever taken, a small gasp escapes weakening my guard. My grip that holds him tight, loosens slowly; desiring that he would grasp me harder. His explanation is a melodious muffled noise in my ears, I tried to listen to him, but all I can do is stare at his moving lips. “We can’t be together” the last words to his sentence, broke my daydream and brought me back to down to earth.

The sweet scent of the rain that drizzled over our heads, intoxicated our hearts; we spoke more than we should’ve. “Regret comes last” proven to be true. Our words that lashed out of anger, hurts deeper than the love that we foster over the years. I couldn’t bare to look at the expression of his face, so I walked away. Kept my head down, lower than my pride and I walked away. A minute before hope was still in my warm hands, begging me to let him go. Now all I can feel is my icy palms against my pale damp skin. The bond created over the invisible thread, that holds us together all this time, worn out and dissolved by the rattling rain. Certain enough I was still curious to look back, just to see him walk away, showing his back to me. I had hoped that he would’ve turned around and chased me. This unspoken wish took the best of me, and I lost all faith in true love. “Why wont he turn around and see me here” I thought to my self. Secretly I knew exactly why he wouldn’t, but I deny the truth and embrace the illusion of hope.

A sharp pain through my chest, contained my urge to call out to him. I watch him vanish behind the curtain of rain, part of me knew that it wasn’t worth the fight. A part of me just wishes, that the fight never happened in the first place. Thousands of words circling around my head, I couldn’t find the right one to shout out to you. So all I could do was watch you leave, letting you go was the wrong decision. Confronting you was the worst.

The way back home seems farther than it used to be, I took those heavy steps up to our – my apartment. Now the only barrier that stands in between of my hopes and reality, is the big green door of the apartment. I halted, as I notice that the door wasn’t closed properly. It started off with a minute of expectation of him slamming the door open, just to greet me, but then – it gradually turned into long hours of staring at the knob of the door. My head felt light, and my icy hands shivers along with my thoughts. As my tears rolled down the sidelines of my cheeks, I pushed the door open quietly, the joints creaked and echoed through out the building, just to reveal a ravaged room, cold and lifeless. I fell on my knees, letting out another scene of a sobbing broken crippled soul.

The sun slowly crawls behind the horizon, the sky lights up beyond the haze, and the moon shyly tip-toes among the clouds. I toss and turn, drowning in the loneliness that grasps me from the back of my neck. The bed feels way too large. Running out of tears to cry, my throat feels coarse and gritty. My heart vacant, and everything still feels so unreal, wishing that this was all just a dream and I would wake up to see the light across his look, greeting me good morning. I could still feel his rough fingers caressing my cheeks, embracing me with affection. His fragrance still lingers amidst the ripples of the sheets; this is the first in a long time that I will be sleeping alone. The peace resonates rowdily, dissipating the serenity. I couldn’t let myself close my eyes, for I fear to see him in my dreams, for I fear that it wont let me wake up to face the reality.

His words repeatedly echoing in my head like a broken record, I gaze through the window embracing every thought I have left of him. The night felt long, time seemingly stop in between the aching cracks of my wrecking heart. I retrace the memory of our last conversation, trying to make logic of the situation, believing that there was a loop hole in this event, wondering what I can do, just to fix this; your words made my existence insignificant, realizing that I wasn’t precious enough to pursue, that loosing me would not have change the way you look at the world.

 Then all fall into silence, I could feel the room breathing, slowly in tune with my heart beat. Home gradually feels foreign, unfamiliar and peculiar. No matter how hard I try, my eyelids felt hefty, the fight didn’t last long until I succumb into my deep lonely slumber.

My fear immediately forms inside my subconscious, Damien appearing right in front of me. His hand pressed against my waist, as he drew closer to me. Embracing my body, he whispered gently into my ears, “I love you Kai”. The words I long to hear, just to ease the pain. I put my arms around him, and hold him closer than ever. I can hear the beating of his heart, his warmth emitting from his body, the sense of familiarity, I wouldn’t let him go. “I’m sorry Damien, please come back, please come back… please come back. I need you here, I need you to be beside me, I’m sorry please come back.” My crackled sobbing tone echoed from the walls of my imagination. I couldn’t say anything else but those words, in the same order “I’m sorry, please come back, I need you”. Damien could only smile, and kiss my forehead, as he would disappear into the mist. Chasing him would be pointless, but it did not stop me to run after him. I knew I should’ve stayed, I knew I should’ve looked for him, I knew that because of my pride, I had lost the only person I have ever loved, and just as I thought I was about to reach him – I woke up.

The darkness forfeits to the light and once again reveals the hollow apartment, filled with memories and traces of him. I became weak, slowly I’d let the emptiness devour my humanity. Surrendering one self to the in-between of reality, I’m lost in thought and physique which soon will wilt into the darkness. I curled my self to the corner, and fall motionless. My daze fixated across the room, and my thoughts on him. Sunk in the guilt that haunts my morality, holding in tears will be a fight in vain. With all the walls torn down, I let my self consumed by the sorrow.  My brain is filled with only “What if”, and “Just only I didn’t”, “Maybe this wouldn’t have happened.”

The repetition of words, overcome my human needs. I have lost the crave to live, and sustain. Hunger and thirst no longer bother me, both my body and mind froze in an instant. Deceiving my instinct to survive, I lay lifeless on this floor. A projection of my memory is shown right before my eyes, the harder I try to forget, these projections became real. Close enough that I could touch you, real enough that I can hear your voice echoing inside this apartment. I can feel the room getting colder, as the sun that strikes the sky soon fall into sleep. The sun grows weary of my emotion, it shortens the days and lengthen the nights. Just as the sun was about to kiss the horizon, I let my imagination run loose in this apartment, enduring the joy and pain that fills my hollow vessel. The undeniable craving for your presence tortures my existence, the prickling pain in my chest, resembles a stinging thorn seeping deeper in my flesh. A whole day without you, felt weeks and months passed by.

I refused to break away from this prison that I created. I didn’t want to face the only reality that may kill me. I was afraid. I watched the sun and moon danced in the dusk, it was harmonious as it was beautiful, the sky blasted with colors more than a rainbow does, and just before the sun has to leave the moon, the sky turned dark, the quiet consumes the atmosphere, and the moon was prancing among the stars. The moment lasted not long enough, the moment passed but never forgotten.

Worn out of fatigue and sorrow, I gave in and closed my eyes. When it started with fear, now I yearn my sleep just so that I can find you in my dreams. Remembering how it was, and how it supposed to be, with you by my side, loving me the way you used to. Your physical being is not what I missed the most, but it was the seconds that we spend together, all the meaningless conversations that we have. The corniest jokes you have made, the instants that we laugh together, the time that we took so lightly. I have missed those the most. I would do anything to have you back beside me, waking up to your smile, staring into the endless depth of your eyes. If time took pity on me, I would beg him to turn back the time, just to the place where I let you go.

I have hoped that I would survive with my dreams alone, but as time passes, the shorter the dreams lasts. The faster you leave, the easier I woke up in the middle of the night. Night after night, I would have prayed and hoped that you’re back. The nights that lasted shortly each night, the day spends longer each day. Is this me forgetting you?

The sunlight kissed my cheeks, as I wake to the mourning sky. Painted gray and the grumbling thunder raced behind the clouds. I got up from my bed, like a living corpse, on the brink of death. I woke up to see a reflection of a monster; I have lost who I really am. The pale skin that decorated my body, the outline of bones redefined my frame. I looked closer to the mirror, making sure that it was I’m seeing, but slowly my vision blurred, and I blacked out.