M. Fajar Kamil

Universitas Gadjah Mada

Multiple Personality Disorder

Volleyball

As I hear the whistle blow, I know that it was time, it was game time. It’s us versus them. Volley is never a one-man game; it needs the team work of 6 people that is coincidentally in the same team with people taking turns in the spotlight to decide if we are going to win the point by an ace serve. We can’t have 6 people with the exact same personality in the same team, it’s just impossible to find those 6 exact people. 3 people in the front and 3 in the back, taking turn in every position. The longer the streak of point winning, the higher the chances for me to not serve. First to 25. Change spotlight every point gained. 

“Henry can do this, Henry can do this, Henry can do this” - as I cheer myself up as there is nothing else I could do. 

“Who’s going to prove them that he’s changed? Me! Henry! Who’s going to prove them that he’s not pessimistic and passive? Me! Henry!” - as I thrive to change as an altar. 

Since I’m beside the first server which is Alpha, I bet you that he can hold me off long enough before it’s my turn to serve. I mean, alpha has always been the leader, everyone knows him, even though it is because he was the first. He’s like the host who represents his team which consists of Jason the tough guy, with an image of a Donkey Kong on steroids. Azriel the happy-go-lucky person, who is always happy. Which experiences the worst time of his life which is probably when he was happy. Sebastian, a perfect altar who can be seen as the Tom Cruise of the team. And finally, Nick the least how do I say it, meant-to-be-gender oriented. He’s basically the definition of a blonde girl. He’s not. Let’s say he likes to say that he is not the gender that he is and last but not lastly, myself. 

The game started well, we had an 18-0 lead in which was possible due to Alpha being in the spotlight and giving an ace but we have a feeling that he wouldn’t have the power to keep on going to let us win the game. As much as a human he is, alpha, he is still human. Even though he runs this body of a team; he still has us who he can’t ignore. He needs the rest of us. So we move down a position and it is now Jason’s turn to take the spotlight. Although in training he sometimes just forces himself to be in the spotlight, when he feels like we are about to lose a point, thinking that the current spotlight holder is not skilful enough, quoted from him, he likes to take matters to his own hand. It’s 18-1 and it’s his turn to take the spotlight. He thought of hitting the ball so hard that he missed his shot. As always. Now it’s 18-2. We are all looking at Jason as how we always have. Proving that being the toughest one doesn’t mean the best one. And now we have to pick up his mess and gain a point to let someone else get the spotlight. It’s never easy to clean someone else’s mess especially when you don’t want them in charge in the first place. 

After a few rally, the score tally shows the score as 19-5. It is getting scarier as I’m closer to becoming in the spotlight. I can start to feel the rush of my shy blood running through my veins. As I look back, I can see Azriel with the smile on his face assuring us that everything is going to be fine. The smile that tells us that the worst that can happen does is not equal to the best thing that can happen. And the best thing that can happen is always achievable. And as I understand this over statement, I realized that there are two skills that are not needed in volley. Strength and optimism. Although it went to 19-6, he moved positions with a grin. A grin that held his head from dipping his head in water and leaving it in till his last oxygen bubble floats. A grin that still kept me from saying “I told you so”. As he moved positions, so did I. Now I’m 2 spots away from being in the spotlight. The closest I’ve been.? 

Sebastian comes on the spotlight and takes the ball.? 

“It’s alright. In the end it’s us and it is not place for individuals to be blamed. Let’s try our best but don’t burn our vests.” Sebastian relieves the burden. 

Simple yet intriguing to feel such tingle although I can’t say I believe, I can say that he creates a religion between the others. A believe that no fact can deny, a believe that no side can lean on to. I’ve never heard someone wanting to be a Henry, but even alpha wants to be like Sebastian. What isn’t Sebastian? 

The fuel gave us energy that gave us a couple of points. Scoreboard soars the roaring 24-6. But as I’ve always thought, fuel runs out. Sebastian needs to bow down sooner or later. No show keeps on going. Now I’m about to be next if Nick is going to lose this point. And I can’t even see an identity that exists in the rest of the team that resides in him. But he can’t not be one of us. As he throws the volley ball up in the air to hit it, as the ball asked to be caught, he throws his hand forward lunging through everything but the ball. He missed. He hit oxygen, nitrogen, carbon dioxide but not the ball. And now what we have to do is win one point and I’ll serve and win. Hopefully. Even though I know I can’t.? 

Points walked by. The score went up but not ours. Until when nick accidentally hit the ball with his head and gave the ball a unique spin that no one has ever seen before and gave us a point. My life has come to an end. Doomsday is a phase in which I can feel. It’s my time to be in the spotlight. 

Just imagining myself in the prepared area of the field kept me awake from sleeping in the fields of confidence. The ghost that befriended me tells as if something is going to go wrong and that I am not wanted in my team.

I walked to the space where every other entity has been on. This is what it feels to be in the spotlight. I feel like a human in the midst of Martians. And of course my pessimistic self doesn’t allow me to feel happy or such. Darkness and black flames haunts my visions. A cloud of mist grabs my eyes, preventing to see. The pores of my hands holds back a wave of sweat, pulling back before pushing a tsunami of sweat. But I can’t let this happen. This happening is not right. I am needed to make a complete team. I am part of a team in a coincidence but what happens after that is our choice. I did what I had to do. Threw the ball right in the air and just before hitting the ball, alpha gently pushed me to the side, quickly catching the ball and hitting it to get an ace. I felt depressed with a relief. Happy with a burden. The one moment that I never waited for happened and I missed it. The feeling of sorrow and joy have never been a recipe.

I cheered with the rest. I felt happy with the rest. But I saw everyone but myself. I’m still myself but I don’t feel like myself.  I guess this is the consequence of being divided into 6 different things. Neither of us chose this but whatever happens, is needed to happen. Though since the referee thought it was miscalculated positioning and I was supposed to be in alpha’s position, he didn’t say anything. So we went home. It’s hard living with 6 different people. Especially when you can’t let them go to win a game. But I have no choice but to condition myself with themselves. I know not everyone experiences what I experience. But being such, can always be a burden, always. Even though we are 1 but divided into 6, we can prove individuals that it doesn’t matter and diversity can create victories.?